Bitter much?

    It is almost Christmas.  I keep looking at all the Facebook posts of decorations and happy families; people out buying presents and planning parties.  And I hate them... Yeah, I said it.

   We are in recovery... tens of thousands in credit card debt. New baby and job changes.... We have spent so much on therapy and polygraphs (yes I make my husband take a lie detector test if I think that there is even a chance he is cheating on me or being dishonest with me about a woman).
   
   The old me (pre husband/family) would be happy. The old me loved Christmas most of all. But I am so bitter.  I can't be happy for anyone and am definitely not happy for myself. Christmas used to be a time of love and cheer. At this point, I sometimes wonder if people can really and truly love each other. I feel like such a failure.  As a wife and as a mother.
   And then there is my husband., He is out working 50+ hours a week and doing all he can to save enough to buy me a gift.  Daily telling me I am beautiful and that he wants nothing more than to spend every waking hour with me. He says he is so lucky to have me... bitter ole' me.

    I say he feels guilty for all he has put me thorough. He says he has changed and that he will spend the rest of his life trying to prove it. He says he hurts to know the pain he has caused me and the emotional state he has created in me.
   I say I am just bitter. And there is nothing he can do to change that. I have to want to let go of the bitterness.