I don't know if this will even make sense to you or if I can explain it properly. The women were not real to me. I never had feelings for them. They were an object I was using to bring temporary pleasure. I did not and could not love them. To me, they were worth the least amount of effort to get what I wanted; and then I was done. They were a fantasy. They were not real. I only wanted them for selfish reasons. Never would I have had a relationship with any of them. I did not even find them attractive. Most were completely self absorbed and not at all women I would consider a relationship with.
You were my reality. You were worth it. You I love. You are my only. I will work for the rest of my life to undo the pain and show you that you are worth more to me than anything. I love you more than life.
Saturday, April 16, 2016
Monday, December 14, 2015
Bitter much?
It is almost Christmas. I keep looking at all the Facebook posts of decorations and happy families; people out buying presents and planning parties. And I hate them... Yeah, I said it.
We are in recovery... tens of thousands in credit card debt. New baby and job changes.... We have spent so much on therapy and polygraphs (yes I make my husband take a lie detector test if I think that there is even a chance he is cheating on me or being dishonest with me about a woman).
The old me (pre husband/family) would be happy. The old me loved Christmas most of all. But I am so bitter. I can't be happy for anyone and am definitely not happy for myself. Christmas used to be a time of love and cheer. At this point, I sometimes wonder if people can really and truly love each other. I feel like such a failure. As a wife and as a mother.
And then there is my husband., He is out working 50+ hours a week and doing all he can to save enough to buy me a gift. Daily telling me I am beautiful and that he wants nothing more than to spend every waking hour with me. He says he is so lucky to have me... bitter ole' me.
I say he feels guilty for all he has put me thorough. He says he has changed and that he will spend the rest of his life trying to prove it. He says he hurts to know the pain he has caused me and the emotional state he has created in me.
I say I am just bitter. And there is nothing he can do to change that. I have to want to let go of the bitterness.
We are in recovery... tens of thousands in credit card debt. New baby and job changes.... We have spent so much on therapy and polygraphs (yes I make my husband take a lie detector test if I think that there is even a chance he is cheating on me or being dishonest with me about a woman).
The old me (pre husband/family) would be happy. The old me loved Christmas most of all. But I am so bitter. I can't be happy for anyone and am definitely not happy for myself. Christmas used to be a time of love and cheer. At this point, I sometimes wonder if people can really and truly love each other. I feel like such a failure. As a wife and as a mother.
And then there is my husband., He is out working 50+ hours a week and doing all he can to save enough to buy me a gift. Daily telling me I am beautiful and that he wants nothing more than to spend every waking hour with me. He says he is so lucky to have me... bitter ole' me.
I say he feels guilty for all he has put me thorough. He says he has changed and that he will spend the rest of his life trying to prove it. He says he hurts to know the pain he has caused me and the emotional state he has created in me.
I say I am just bitter. And there is nothing he can do to change that. I have to want to let go of the bitterness.
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Who We Are
It is a few days after Thanksgiving.... 2015. This year we are thankful that we are still a family.
Hi! We are creating this blog in hopes that it will help someone out there who is dealing with what we are working through. We have (almost) been married for four years. We are both working on our second marriage. My husband is a sex addict. I learned this in an awful, painful way just over a year ago when I caught him having an affair. This last year has been hard; but we wouldn't trade it for anything!
Everyday we struggle. His addiction.... my pain and recovery... and taking care of our two young kids ... all while doing life. Every day is something new. Some days are happy; some very painful. But we get out of bed and face each day together.
Hi! We are creating this blog in hopes that it will help someone out there who is dealing with what we are working through. We have (almost) been married for four years. We are both working on our second marriage. My husband is a sex addict. I learned this in an awful, painful way just over a year ago when I caught him having an affair. This last year has been hard; but we wouldn't trade it for anything!
Everyday we struggle. His addiction.... my pain and recovery... and taking care of our two young kids ... all while doing life. Every day is something new. Some days are happy; some very painful. But we get out of bed and face each day together.
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